It has taken me a while to finish this post. The last few weeks have been really draining. I’ve swung from high to low on a daily basis, feeling empowered and out of control, struggling to manage myself and my mental health. I’ve been trying to bring myself back to the blog and see it as self-care but sometimes it is just easier to avoid things that are challenging or scary. Sometimes you’re avoiding them because it is the healthiest thing for you at the time. It isn’t always clear which category I am in.
I started this blog as an outlet to share my experiences but its hard to write about the things I have spent years hiding from everyone around me. In my most recent therapy session, I said something out loud which I don’t think I had even admitted to myself. I immediately burst into tears. Saying it out loud allowed me to just let go and be upset. I was embarrassed but it was necessary.
I have always been told I am too private, like a brick wall, and I never really cared. I didn’t want people to know what was going on because I was so ashamed. For years I held things in and taught myself to hide what I really needed, letting it boil away inside me, till it burst out. I’d cry or get angry in situations that seemed unreasonable. Talking to people I love and trust was a really important part of my recovery but I still struggle with it massively.
Talking as self-care is hard to define: in one way establishing boundaries for yourself (what you are willing or unwilling to share) is a key part of self-care but for me my boundaries can be so huge they can easily become barriers. Finding a safe way to talk about things is incredibly important but also goes against an instinct I have honed over decades. If it was easy I would already be doing it!
I spent 20 weeks in therapy and was told by my therapist at the end of it that they felt like they barely knew anything about me. It took a further 30 weeks of therapy with a new mental health team and a new therapist before I felt comfortable enough to talk about myself and how I felt. It still felt like I was trying to squeeze blood from a stone.
Although I didn’t realise it at the time, speaking with medical professionals was helping me develop a sense of security. It allowed me to go on to share what I was most ashamed of with my friends and family. Being able to say that I am really struggling in the moment is something I want to be able to do for myself. I’m not there yet.
It is much easier to write this now than it would have been a few weeks ago when I was at the bottom of a very hopeless hole. Every day felt like I was just trying to get my head back above water. I am still on my way out of the hole but now I am able to write about it.
Talking isn’t easy especially about what you think people will judge you for but finding the right way for you will lift the weight of it.
Talk about it, write about it, read about it
I’ve had plenty of bad experiences trying to talk to people about what I was going through. The therapist I spoke about often made me feel really misunderstood. Times before and since when I have tried to reach out I have been completely knocked down, been told by people I love they didn’t believe me, didn’t understand or called me a liar for not telling them earlier.
Not everyone is going to be able to listen or want to help. It isn’t their fault, it is just a sign that they can’t support you. Find people who can understand. Write to yourself about how you are feeling. Keep a diary or notes on your phone. Find a way to express what it going on and find communities who share your experiences.
I know it is clichéd. Meditation has become the panacea for the world’s ills but there is a reason, it can really help.
I have always struggled with meditation, I still have to use guided meditations, as I find it difficult to settle my mind in silence. Using guided meditations has really helped develop my self-awareness, something I have always struggled with when I have been stressed or in crisis.
Have a look on youtube for some videos, have a listen, assess the narrators and topics and give it a go for a week. It won’t be easy to start with, nothing ever is, but meditation can help change the way you talk to yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up if you fuck up
When you are struggling, whether it’s just a bad day or a full-blown mental health crisis, it can be hard not to get frustrated with yourself. Wishing you had done things differently. Wishing you didn’t have whatever condition is causing your problem. Be kind to yourself. You are not to blame for whatever is happening. You can’t beat yourself into changing. Look after yourself. Be nice to yourself and the motivation and strength you need will come eventually.
Look after yourself and if someone is making you feel bad tell them to fuck off!
Happy New Year!
p.s. As you may have noticed I love Brene Brown, look her up on youtube!